secrets

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 20:07:44 GMT

and im spent. for good.

Fri, 09 Jul 2004 03:20:18 GMT

mare just called to say goodbye. all i could tell her was to have a good time and that i would write. then my eyes got real warm and i started to feel tears roll down my face. "we still have four days left," i said. who am i kidding? AJBFlbf>Ubf!!!1 its all becoming so real that things arent gonna be the same forever. yea, things always change, but in retrospect theyve stayed relatively the same. but now, im thinking of how much this girl means to me. and how when everyone would do something and wed be left out we would just slide down icy golden on a pizza box. nothings bad with mare. theres always a prank call, good food, great music, a movie, or a really bad joke to make things better. i love mare warner so much. 5 weeks is a long time to be gone. but shes going to have so much fun. i cant wait to hear all about it. and im gonna try and write a bunch. but 4 DAYS!!! WHAT? thats ridiculous. this isnt just a vacation. it was planned perfectly as a goodbye. yea, theres andys party- that i wont let her forget- but when she called tonight it really was a goodbye. it was a, 'see you in 5 weeks, for 4 days, then not for a fairly large amount of time. and by the way, goodluck.' yea, it was one of those sort of calls. college!! what??

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 17:02:25 GMT

alex petersen on his new email address, life, and love:

So now you can all update your contacts lists, if you feel so inclined. You know, I would think that we would all want to keep in touch (because we're all such a close-knit, community meeting having, pretzel game playing, compassionate, intersupportive Montessori class of 44 erdkinders (children of the land)) and this would be such a small step toward the effort to preserve the family that we have become....or something like that.

Thu, 01 Jul 2004 02:30:45 GMT

"you got your way," he said. but it wasnt the where that mattered.

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 20:34:23 GMT

tuesday/ thursday:
8:00-9:15 intro to education
9:30-10:45 math for teachers 1
11:00-11:50 university seminar

monday/wenesday/friday
9:00-9:50 basics of composition
10:00-10:50 fine arts [prehistoric- 14th century art]
2:00-2:50 general psychology

every day
3:00-5:15 soccer

[17 credit hours my first semester]

Sun, 27 Jun 2004 02:59:29 GMT

im coming to the conclusion that soulmates don't exist, only fucking amazing or fucking shitty people that change your life in drastic ways.

Thu, 24 Jun 2004 01:04:32 GMT

thank you for tonight. for understanding the feelings i was having. and for just accepting that it was my throat. the one that is swelling into my mouth. thank you for taking the time to let the sun dry out our skin. knowing we need lotion. and laughing. thank you for appreciating long hot showers. hating when someone flushes. and then when the shower is no longer capable of producing water of any decent temperature. thank you for eating atleast one freeze pop while i eat three. and letting me suprise you with a color. thank you for finding that cd. the one with the songs that we sang to until our voices were horse. thank you for just smiling. it makes me want to smile just the same. thank you for sharing the things that arent to be shared. and sharing them whole heartedly. you were always the most honest one. thank you for realizing the shortness in time and knowing how to appreciate every second of it. thank you for being you. and for knowing all i can do is be me. thank you kindly.

Sun, 20 Jun 2004 13:38:36 GMT

i forget why i could love you. but i think its because you let me love you.

Sat, 19 Jun 2004 01:44:04 GMT

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What is your name?:	jessica laine smith
Are you named after anyone?:	my moms middle name is lynne, so my middle name is kind of like that. but i guess not really.
What's your screename?:	jesslainesmith
Would you name a child of yours after you?:	i dont think so. only because i would hate to be a junior- and typically girls arent juniors anyway.
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?:	i just asked my parents because i was really curious, and they both just got real brick with me and said they didnt remember.
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?:	mare- only because i love that name. but im definitly not a mare.
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?:	lane instead of laine. but other than that no. i have 2 very common names.
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?:	nah- i would be jess laine smith.
Basics
Your gender::	female
Straight/Gay/Bi::	straight- but youd never know, because NO ONE likes me.
Single?:	always
If not, do you want to be?:	--
Birthdate::	august 25, 1986
Your age::	17
Age you act::	any range from 3 and a half to 32.
Age you wish you were::	18. i dont really care about being 21 really. i just wish i was the same age as all my friends.
Your height::	5'7''. connor- my 12 year old brother is a quarter of an inch taller than me. oh hell nah!
Eye color::	blue.
Happy with it?:	very
Hair color::	brownish blondish reddish. depends on the time of year bc the sun turns it colors.
Happy with it?:	yea. i used to dye it alot but i let it all fade out and go back natural bc its better that way
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous::	right- but during school i write with my left hand when im bored. i tried to perfect it through my 4 years but never quite did.
Your living arrangement::	currently with the parentals and brother until august 16th when i move into the dorms at urbana
Your family::	cheryl, rob, connor
Have any pets?:	dolce
Whats your job?:	well after the end of the mont i wont work at sunsine anymore- thnak god. but i work at the softball parks for wessel sports.
Piercings?:	ears... 7.
Tattoos?:	no but on sugust 28th im coming home and m. and britt are getting ours/
Obsessions?:	oh man. theres many im sure.
Addictions?:	so many i cant even think of one right now. ha
Do you speak another language?:	hell no. i took french for 5 years though.
Have a favorite quote?:	not one favorite one.
Do you have a webpage?:	i have a journal- haha.
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it
Do you live in the moment?:	always. it pisses my parents off. but then sometimes i dont and i dwell on things and how itll effect me later.
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?:	for the most part, yes.
Do you have any secrets?:	many im sure.
Do you hate yourself?:	no.
Do you like your handwriting?:	haha sometimes.
Do you have any bad habits?:	many. biting my nails. lying to my parents about insignificant things. cracking my knuckles.
What is the compliment you get from most people?:	nice smile. or good hair. but im not sure i agree with either.
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?:	typical
What's your biggest fear?:	being alone, falling, snakes, rejection, akward silence with akward people.
Can you sing?:	i can. but not good. haha
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?:	nope- not worth it.
Are you a loner?:	huh??
What are your #1 priorities in life?:	i dont even know anymore. apparently my priorities are constantly messed up.
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?:	wow- i dont know. at first i would. but id get tired of me quick. shit- maybe thats why i have no friends and no one likes me.
Are you a daredevil?:	haha yea
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?:	many- i wont even go there right now
Are you passive or agressive?:	agressive
Do you have a journal?:	haha
What is your greatest strength and weakness?:	i dont even know- please, you tell me.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?:	i would be quieter. it seems like that would make other happier.
Do you think you are emotionally strong?:	hell no. well, sometimes. i either really am, or really am not.
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?:	no regret isnt worth dealing with.
Do you think life has been good so far?:	overall- yes.
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?:	oh man. um, know what i have. because when its gone- its the worst pain. EVER.
What do you like the most about your body?:	i dont.
And least?:	thick everyhting.
Do you think you are good looking?:	pshaw.
Are you confident?:	in some aspects.
What is the fictional character you are most like?:	i think im gonna go with alice from alice in wonderland
Are you perceived wrongly?:	more than not.
Do You...
Smoke?:	mhm
Do drugs?:	mhm
Read the newspaper?:	mhm- at work when theres nothing to do.
Pray?:	nope.
Go to church?:	haha no.
Talk to strangers who IM you?:	mhm. its funny. and sometimes you just may make a friend or two.
Sleep with stuffed animals?:	yesm. and my yellow blankie. dont hate.
Take walks in the rain?:	only one of my favorite things to do.
Talk to people even though you hate them?:	i talk to people even when im trying to hate them.
Drive?:	haha yea. and i just bought a new car!!!!!
Like to drive fast?:	with the heat up and windows down. but its hard to do that now. it hurts too much to think.q
Would or Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?:	nope. but its all good.
Hurt yourself?:	thats the kind of thing for insecure people.
Been out of the country?:	no... but im going to brasil next summer.
Eaten something that made other people sick?:	uh i dont know
Been in love?:	nope. not like that.
Done drugs?:	uh huh
Gone skinny dipping?:	haha many times.
Had a medical emergency?:	not that im aware of.
Had surgery?:	no.
Ran away from home?:	no.
Played strip poker?:	haha yea.
Gotten beaten up?:	no- but i almost beat the shit out of brittany.
Beaten someone up?:	oh... haha close but no cigar.
Been picked on?:	story of my life. for real.
Been on stage?:	many times.
Slept outdoors?:	me and ben slept on the beach 2 summers ago. bad idea. but im been camping mass and slept outside. and on appalatian trail we all slept outside for mass long until it rained.
Thought about suicide?:	never.
Pulled an all nighter?:	it has yet to happen actually. i just like sleep too much.
If yes, what is your record?:	--
Gone one day without food?:	aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!! never!!!!
Talked on the phone all night?:	yea.
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?:	haha all the time.
Slept all day?:	nope.
Killed someone?:	haha no.
Made out with a stranger?:	no.
Had sex with a stranger?:	oh yea baby. ha
Thought you're going crazy?:	no no- in all seriousness.... yes. i have.
Kissed the same sex?:	yea, just last week, a few people a few times. ha
Done anything sexual with the same sex?:	no. well, kissed- but it wasnt sexual at all.
Been betrayed?:	yea. its sad how many times.
Had a dream that came true?:	mhm. unfortunately.
Broken the law?:	haha yea. the best story is getting pulled over by the cops for egging pedestrians in hyde park.
Met a famous person?:	im sure. but right now my memory fails me.
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?:	never.
On purpose?:	haha no.
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?:	yea. damnit. im an asshole.
Stolen anything?:	haha yea.
Been on radio/tv?:	both, i am awesome.
Been in a mosh-pit?:	haha i hate them!!
Had a nervous breakdown?:	only one real one. but im cool now.
Bungee jumped?:	im scared of falling.
Had a dream that kept coming back?:	uh yea.
Beliefs
Belive in life on other planets?:	im skeptical.
Miracles?:	yea. i really do.
Astrology?:	nah but its fun.
Magic?:	depends. haha.
God?:	no not at all. but i dont like to dulge into my beliefs on this. im afraid ill offend someone and thats never my intention.
Satan?:	no.
Santa?:	hell nah.
Ghosts?:	yea.
Luck?:	actually i dont know.
Love at first sight?:	no.
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?:	yea definitly. and vice versus.
Witches?:	i dont know man.
Easter bunny?:	haha no.
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?:	hm... dont have the experience to know.
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?:	sure- why not. what else would be at the end??
Do you wish on stars?:	yea, most definitly. ive got tons of wishes, i wish on everyhting.
Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?:	not at all
Do you think God has a gender?:	i dont believe in god
Do you believe in organized religion?:	i believe that it exists, well obviously. but not in the reasons people do it for.
Where do you think we go when we die?:	the ground.
Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?:	hell yea. many
Who is your best friend?:	yea- i dont have one. please omit question.
Who's the one person that knows most about you?:	lauren. unfortunately.
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?:	i dont know.
Your favourite inside joke?:	omit.
Thing you're picked on most about?:	being loud. big forehead. hookups. anyhting and everyhting i do.
Who's your longest known friend?:	megan saile- 12 years baby!
Newest?:	sush- but im almost positive theres someone more recent.
Shyest?:	i dont have shy friends. but probably ben.
Funniest?:	megan and molly together. or when me and hil gang up on britt- thats pretty hilarious!!
Sweetest?:	julia vanausdall
Closest?:	dont even know for real.
Weirdest?:	um... everyone in their own special way. ha
Smartest?:	ben or mare
Ditziest?:	britt
Friends you miss being close to the most?:	lauren
Last person you talked to online?:	ben and sush
Who do you talk to most online?:	hannah smithy, and ben dwertman
Who are you on the phone with most?:	i dont even know. i think mare actually. im not on the phone alot. ben and i call eachother alot but dont usually talk for more than a minute or so.
Who do you trust most?:	i have trust issues. but i guess mare.
Who listens to your problems?:	mare, britt, hilary, ben, sush.
Who do you fight most with?:	brittany by far. haha
Who's the nicest?:	julz i think i dont know
Who's the most outgoing?:	me!!!
Who's the best singer?:	hil
Who's on your shit-list?:	no one for real.
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?:	uuuh
Who's your second family?:	omit. i cry.
Do you always feel understood?:	never. well, rarely.
Who's the loudest friend?:	me!!
Do you trust others easily?:	not really.
Who's house were you last at?:	emilys when i picked her up.
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in::	lauren. but i hate feeling like that now. because i just feel dumb about it now.
Do your friends know you?:	yea. id say so.
Friend that lives farthest away::	fernanda azal from brasil.
Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?:	no not at all.
What do you find romantic?:	kissing in the rain or snow.
Turn-on?:	dont even know.
Turn-off?:	i dont know.
First kiss?:	um i for real dont know. wow- thats sad.
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?:	well i wouldnt date them. that wouldnt be fair to either of us.
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going:	i cant answer these fucking dating questions. i DONT KNOW!!!
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out:	it is. whatever.
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractiv:	nope. i dont know alot of guys. ha
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?:	apparently not.
What is best about the opposite sex?:	[physically]-hair hands teeth eyes.
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?:	i dont know. this is dumb. im getting annoyed.
What's the last present someone gave you?:	my dad just bought me a new car.
Are you in love?:	no. haha thats a silly question.
Do you consider your significant other hot?:	riight...
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?:	no one.
You wanted to kill?:	no one for real.
That you laughed at?:	my dad
That laughed at you?:	my mom
That turned you on?:	um, no one. i dont know.
You went shopping with?:	emily and hannah.
That broke your heart?:	lauren. but thats a weird thing.
To disappoint you?:	mhm.
To ask you out?:	hahaha. matt pittenger in 7th grade. hell yea im awesome.
To make you cry?:	lauren
To brighten up your day?:	my mom
That you thought about?:	i dont know actually.
You saw a movie with?:	hil britt brady jess katelyn bridge mare mike andy
You talked to on the phone?:	ben
You talked to through IM/ICQ?:	emily
You saw?:	my dad
You lost?:	lauren. wow- im fucking pahetic.
Right This Moment...
Are you going out?:	no.
Will it be with your significant other?:	--
Or some random person?:	--
What are you wearing right now?:	red shorts and a red tshirt
Body part you're touching right now::	im not. ha
What are you worried about right now?:	my dad yelling at me again.
What book are you reading?:	you shal know our velocity
What's on your mousepad?:	its a dell mousepad.
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling::	i really dont know. blah.
Are you bored?:	always
Are you tired?:	extremly.
Are you talking to anyone online?:	sush and emily.
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?:	no.
Are you lonely or content?:	neither
Are you listening to music?:	no but connors paused playstation game is making annoying paused noises.

Really Long Survey (over 200) brought to you by BZOINK!

Sat, 19 Jun 2004 00:49:15 GMT

i keep having this reoccuring dream of watching someone send emails from my computer and all i can see is their hands, but its no ones that i reconize. and they type something into the subject. copy it. and paste it into the body of the email and send it. but i never see who its to, and what it says. just a dream i guess.

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 23:38:48 GMT

in two months one day thirteen hours and twenty minutes i will move into what will become newly associated with home. i am equally scared and apprehensive as i am ecstatic. i have no real reason to be worried about leaving those ive found comfort in. years of partially chastised and often contradicting relationships have finally been seemingly forced into a positive finale. those that are going to carry on some sort of legacy will. these are the ones that as time dwindles- remain. it saddnes me to think of those that i invested everyhting in, yet resulted in some sort of pain. but those are the lesser in value when it comes down to it. i have found that i need to move on. its not something that i necissarily want to do, but its needed. life must go on, and im ready to accept the things coming. but please- send me some more good ones.

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 03:14:13 GMT

ive learned that it's a lot easier to find out who you are once you realize that you won't always have someone else to stand up for you. im realizing that i wont die if i stray from my friends and that its not the end of the world if my friends stop liking me. i cant stand love and how many different kinds there are because ive been around what i think is real love and i understand how that works and when i say it, i usually end up doing it just to make someone feel guilty or to make someone wonder what could have been or why it wasnt, or what was my problem.

Mon, 14 Jun 2004 00:10:34 GMT

the mention of your name makes me stomach drop to the ground. its heavier than my heart is and it scares me. i need you. im sorry.

Thu, 10 Jun 2004 19:16:30 GMT

the three of them lied there saturated in some form of tanning oil or another. each so perfect and beautiful in their own way. these are three of my favorite women in my life. i didnt however feel like i could give myself to the sun that day. the sweat pooled on their plastic chairs, but i couldnt lie there still enough. my body felt real lanky sprawled out on the chair. i felt limited in my movement and my skin was sticky against the plastic.

Sun, 06 Jun 2004 21:37:24 GMT

and i ate cottage cheese today. lots of it. i kind of broke my apparent diet of iced treats [sno cones and ice cream] but thats ok. i love cottage cheese.

Sun, 06 Jun 2004 02:53:18 GMT

is there any way i can get into school at all during the summer? natalie gave me my paints back the night of senior project night and i left them there. and all the sudden i have this insatiable urge to paint and be creative and ive used all my fingerpaints up today for lack of my other paints. it was fun, but none the less exhausting and i long for my acrylics back. so now i need my good paints and they are ALL AT CLARK. dAMNIT. anyone know if i can get in there??

Sun, 06 Jun 2004 02:33:03 GMT

ive made a diet out of chicken sandwiches and sno cones [queen size. mai tai is my new favorite flavor]. however, i broke my diet tonight with a few bites of rice risoto stuff and a kibob sized peice of chicken, later to enjoy-not a sno cone, but yes- a small chocolate soft serve in a cone with peanut crunch sprinkles. food is fun. now i am too sun burnt, or as cait puts it- char broiled- to do anyhting but sleep. cait says things better than me alot. she always comes up with the right word for things. once i beat her to it though. wheel and axel just about summed that all up. i am again hungry, and trying to contemplate if it is true hunger or just 10:30pm and im exhausted hunger. i will probably just go to sleep because another trip out for a sno cone would take entirely too much energy. at the movies there was a fact thingy that if everyone would unplug their tv when they arent watching it, then wed save double the energy of the hoover dam in a year. i dont know how much energy that for real is, so i simply ignored it, and deemed it too much energy to take the time to conserve enegry. goodnight.

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 14:48:36 GMT

it doesnt really feel like summer at all. and i dont like that. the pool yesterday was a good start but the cleaning today definitly doesnt help at all. it was weird to talk to her. i wanted to pretend like things were fine. we noth know they arent, but maybe i was the only one pretending. anyways, today should hopefully be fun around 2ish. i love my girls. yes, even when they hang up on my. ray= asshole! sike. ok cleaning time. right.

Sun, 30 May 2004 16:58:20 GMT

you are the ammunition in every gun i fire.

i got nothin

Sun, 23 May 2004 21:51:19 GMT

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Describe me in one word.
7. What was your first impression?
8. Do you still think that way about me now?
9. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When's the last time you saw me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldnt?

class of 2004- out the door. holla!

Sat, 22 May 2004 01:51:14 GMT

today was so much fun. im so lucky to be a part of my senior class- they are all so amazing. i love you all.

Thu, 20 May 2004 22:34:59 GMT

its time to graduate. not in the sense of 'ive served my time here blah blah blah...' but more like 'its ok to leave now because things are ok now. i feel like theres no final strings to tie up. things are just right.'

Mon, 17 May 2004 22:29:33 GMT

at exactly 6:24 tonight on channel 5 me and hilary were on the news. yay for us, minus the major akwardness of the whole thing.

Sun, 16 May 2004 02:36:40 GMT

holy shit. gothika is the scariest move ive ever seen. yes, even scarier than texas chainsaw masacre. i stayed home on a saturday night to watch gothika with my parents because i am just that awesome. and we tried to watch it with the lights out but the dog got scared, and so did me and my mom because my dad was instigating the fear. it was awesome. now i need to go watch some happy tv shows with them so we dont go to bed freaked out. my mom is trying to convince my dad to watch harry potter right now. which is hysterical by the way. hes almost agreeing to watch trading spaces over harry potter right now, which is funny because he hates trading spaces. but i love that show. alot. so now im gonna go downstairs and eat some more food because dinner got cut short because i couldnt watch the move and eat. it was just too hard. alright, well, i hope all those walnut kids who went to prom tonight had a good time. and mare and julia too. wait- why the hell is that movie called gothika anyways??

Sat, 15 May 2004 03:33:48 GMT

i definitly think i peed on myself tonight.